So yeah, this is just some musings... Probably none of this will
make too much sense. This blog post is more for me than
anything else. For some odd reason writing a little of the stuff
that's going on in my head just seems to make me feel a little
better.
Tonight I've got far too much rumbling around inside this head
of mine... Its all charging around bouncing into other stuff and just
about to drive me nuts! Of course I'm more than tired, but I'm sure
you all know that rumbling brains aren't very conducive to sleep :/
I'm laying here in this dark room, listening to Lifehouse and trying
to sort through a little of the mess running through my mind.
I can't believe it's been 8 days already... I'm not sure I want to either.
I know it will pass, but I keep expecting to get a phone call from
Grandpa and he'll be telling me some odd random piece of information.
It's amazing that life just keeps plugging away. I know its a good thing
that it does, but every once and a while I get that sort of wish that it
would just stay still for a while.
Grief is such an odd process. It's crazy hard to try and figure out how
to work through this kind of stuff. It's hard to be alone, but it's hard
to be around people. It feels as though everything I do has to be
processed through a thick fog. Stuff doesn't feel like it's penetrating
to my brain yet. Which is probably okay because my brain feels like
that cornstarch-water gloopy slime stuff...
We "prepared" ourselves for this. We all knew it was coming. We
knew the day would come when Grandpa would no longer be chained
down to this mortal life and that he would slip into his transformed
immortal body. We knew it. We watched the "signs" of the time
coming closer until it was upon us. Now that time is up, and I'm still in
a sort of almost disbelief.
I enjoy this silent part of day. Night is peaceful. In the quiet things
rest. Spilling all this stuff onto here my head is even getting a break.
Order is coming and eyelids are getting heavy.
Silence is really a wonderful thing. In fact silence is probably the best
gift I've gotten lately. Whether it's me getting to be silent with myself,
or other people sitting close, being silent themselves and also just
letting me be silent. Not staring at me or having to fill time up with
talk, but just being there. Being a hand to squeeze or shoulder to lay
my head on... Or if you're Rachel, someone to give me a punch on
the shoulder ;)
I'm really glad that God lets me be silent. When I can't thing of a way
to express what's in my heart or mind I can feel his presence just
there. And he waits. So patiently. I'm glad he can hear the silent pleas
as my heart cries. He doesn't ask anything of me. And through
everything just gives and gives. Peace, comfort, strength. I know it
time he will restore full joy too. It's so neat how he reveals himself too.
I love how when I'm not even looking (or even wanting to see) he
shows me I'm special to him and that he's stickin' close to me.
I'm glad the sun keeps rising in the morning. Last Sunday morning I
didn't really want it to shine. It almost felt as if the weather was
mocking the pain we were feeling and I just wanted it to leave me
alone. But the sun is still rising. I'm glad for it now. It shoves off the
dark, and illuminates all the wonderful things that day brings. It
glimmers with the joy I know is coming.
Life's happening again. Last week was packed with cleaning and
getting stuff ready for a funeral and being with family and... well
everything. This week that is all over. Crystal's going back to work,
all the regular weekly activities are going to start again. It's weird
though because the main thing that we spent all our time doing is no
longer here needing us. What do we do with all the time that had been
spent in with Grandpa or anything that went along with that?
We've got some long days ahead.
But I'm giving my burden over to God though. I KNOW that he has very
capable hands and that he's here guiding us through this. I'm keeping
my mind fixed on the promises he's given about "joy coming", or
"his mercies being new every morning", or "his strong right hand
supporting" and all that kind of stuff.
Whew! That felt good. Sorry that this was a dumb post. And I've bared
heart and rambled unintellegibly for long enough. My mind's now
settled to somewhat of a dull roar so I think that means it's going to let
me get some rest now...
Thanks to you all for being good friends and "listening". And for being
there for us in person or in thought this last week. You're helping make
this easier.
Well, here's to a decent night's sleep. G'night all...
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